Monday, May 4, 2009

You must feel sorry for those who broke your heart because one day they will just wake up and realize they had the world but they let it go.

For the past few weeks, rather months, I have been dealing with the certain gap or conflict that our crew has encountering. This is not the first time that our friendship has been tested but I know, for sure, that this is the worst.

During the early years of our college life, we were really inseparable. We wanted to do things together, hang out together and they even persuaded the other members of the crew, including me, to join them on every activity that they planned to do. That was the peak of the beautiful friendship we built since first year.

It was really overwhelming that even though some of the crew chose a different specialization and that we haven't gotten the chance to see each other more often, still the friendship is there, alive and kicking. Text messages were the only bridges for us to communicate especially during semestral and summer vacations. We maintained it and despite the distance, we were able to nurture our friendship.

When we reached our junior year, we became closer than ever. It was actually the most enjoying year of the Chillax Crew, I must say. We shared a lot. We used to do things together. We hanged out often. We bonded like hell even after dismissal. We stayed late and went to different places just to be with each other and enjoyed every minute together. It was fun. We were all happy. I've gotten the chance to become close to everybody and the feeling was really different. I've come to know the real them and I am so glad with it. They taught me a lot of things that I could never forget.

I thought our friendship is long lasting. I thought it will stand the test of time and that it will continue to grow despite the fact that we will barely see each other. But I guess, I was wrong. Totally wrong.

The start of our Senior year was also the beginning of the conflict, of the problem, of the worst scenarios ever. I must admit, the year started out very good until something happened. It brought a lot of problems. And I felt that it was the time that our friendship was starting to fall apart. You know it was hard because I've become really close to every one of them and I just can't choose on who I want to be with.

But then not all things are meant to last forever. There are things that you have to let go even though you want to hold on until you can. You just can't force them to do something that they don't want to do. That's a desperate move. Though we tried to fix every single problem, every single conflict, still, nothing changed. We tried really hard. But it was too tough. We have never been completed since then. In short, laging may kulang.

I thought that everything will be back to normal after Retreat but it didn't. Still, they've made it worst. I don't know, maybe, they are all fed up seeing the same faces everyday. Our friendship is tearing apart. It's all broken and damaged.

On every text message that we sent, no one wanted to reply. On every invitation that we gave, no one is interested to come. I guess, this is the end. Or maybe, a beginning of a beautiful friendship with my F4. I have never been one of the boys not until they catch me when the rest of the world left me. It was unbelievable. I never expected that we will be this close and that I will be able to share to them everything including my problems.

I know that I have been really nice to everybody. If only I could give them everything I have, I will. I let them see the generous part of me. I may not be a perfect friend, but still, I tried to be. Perhaps, I talked behind their backs but eventually, I realized my mistake. I've never bullshitted them. I've never traded them unlike what they are doing now. I've never searched for their replacement. I even tried to make this friendship work even though it is impossible. I tried my best, I really tried but they never appreciated it. They have never seen my worth.

What now? Am I a suspect? Am I the one to blame? Do they hate me? Or are they just jealous for the all out attention given by my F4 to me? Oh well, I don't want to think that they are jealous or insecure but I can't help. After all, they are letting me see their true colors, their real persona. So what if they don't talk to me, if they talk behind me, if they hate me? I have real friends beside me who chose to stay with me than to bullshit me.

But then, I don't hate them for that. They have become my close friends. I have wonderful memories with them that will be cherished no matter what. Hating them is the least thing that I can do and I won't do it just because they are treating me like this. No, it's not me. I still love them despite the attitude that they are showing.

And now, I can finally say, Chillax Crew is gone. It fell apart. It was ruined and will never be whole again. Some of the parts are missing. It's too impossible to bring it back again. Forgetting is somehow a solution for them, avoiding us is what they do but I don't think I could forget them. After all, they have been nice to me before. That was before. No more Chillax Crew. No more.

People come and go so choose those who are willing to stay. How I wish my F4 (Ian, Niko, Rex and Marco), Dyei and Eunice are more than willing to.