Thursday, January 15, 2009

Some of the most interesting friendships are between people who are attracted to each other but can’t act on it.

The quote above, it struck me big time. Oh well. Don’t wanna detail much about it. Anyway, I learned something today. Well, actually, I should have learned this months ago but then I just realized it today or perhaps, I realized it already but I just don’t want to admit it.

Everything seems to be getting clearer and I wasn’t even aware of it. I have become so attach to them without even knowing that it is too much and it’s getting worst. With all the closeness that we shared, I felt something special towards him, rather towards them. I don’t know. I can’t get the point.

No, I am not hitting two birds with one stone. It’s definitely not. It is just that during the time that he drifted away or rather, stayed away from me for a while and I was longing for the attention he used to give me, someone came along giving me more than what he is capable of giving. This someone has become my total companion, though ever since we are really close but I never thought that I would feel something weird towards him. I really felt the care and concern of that someone.

Both of them are special to me in two different ways. The first one has become really special after knowing him better. I never thought that all my bad impressions towards him will soon vanish after getting to know the real him. The other one has become special because since freshmen, we were treating each other as siblings but as soon as we got closer, it seemed to be changing.

Both of them are treating me really special in their own little way. I really felt the concern of the first guy during the times that we were busy doing our pain in the ass activity. He was always there for me. As a matter of fact, we were constant textmate and chatmate. While the other guy, he suddenly appeared in the scene, treating me so special, after the first guy drifted away. I don’t know if the closeness of me and the second guy that pushed the first guy to stay away from me.

But as we all know, there’s nothing constant in this world, well, except for the word change. Now, I am really affected with what’s happening around me. Even though how much I try to pretend that I am totally okay, I can’t deny that I am affected, that I am hurt.

And now, I find it really hard to deal with them ‘cause I know I lost them already. Not because, they already found their respective partners but because I couldn’t feel that I’m still special for them. It is just that up to now, I am still waiting for the first guy. I am still hoping that he’ll come back but I guess, it will not happen no matter what I do. Well, the second guy, we’re still close but I’m trying to avoid him at some point because I know it is not good. I don’t wanna fall for him the way I fell for the first guy. I shouldn’t be because I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I don’t want to lose them.

I don’t know what happened that made these all messed up. I kept on asking myself. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I commit something that made them be like that? I’m still the same girl they’ve known from the very start. I never changed but how come, they changed. I guess, I just don’t have the guts to speak out what I really feel ‘cause I know it will ruin everything. And yet, up to this very moment, I am still waiting for the first guy. But I don’t know how long can I wait.