Thursday, December 13, 2007

Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who to love, it would be much simpler, but how much less magical. ~South Park

I'm just getting so emotional now. I have been hurt again but actually, everyday, I am in pain. You know how hard it is to pretend that you are really okay but you know deep inside, you aren't. You know how difficult it is to act like you are fine yet you know deep within you, you're far from being one.

In my case, I'm feeling it all. Yeah, I admit, I'm just pretending that I am so much fine but I know I am not. I'm acting like I moved on already though I know, I'm still into him. I keep on telling my friends that I'm over him but I know deep within me, I am still longing for him. Yes I know, I decided to give up because I know I don't have any chances at all but giving up doesn't necessarily means that I'm moving on.

I just can't move on. I tried really hard but I can't and I don't know why. When I decided to give up on whatever feelings I have for him, I thought I could move on as well. I succeeded on giving up because I'm not hoping nor expecting for anything now. Yet, the feeling is still on fire. I just can't help it. Because whenever he's around, my heart keeps on pounding really fast.

Whenever I pray before I sleep, I always ask God to help me get through him, to help me forget about him and to help me move on. But I guess, it is not the right time yet. Maybe, I have to live my college life with this. As he continues building friendship with my crew, it's getting harder and harder on my part. I don't know when can I say that I'm finally free from whatever feelings I have for this undeserving guy but I'm anxiously waiting for that time.

He is very different from his friend because his friend is very much friendly and approachable. He is so suplado as if he is the most good looking guy in the world as what my friend used to tell me. Yeah, he really is suplado. He never looks at me nor say hi. He is very close to my friends yet he never bothers doing the same thing to us who are not close to him yet.

Just this morning, I didn't expect that we will meet along the way because he is a sure late comer. So, I felt my heart beat faster than normal. I looked at him but he didn't bother looking at me too. How suplado, I told to myself. Then I continued walking and I felt that tears wanted to run down from my eyes. But I controlled it. Yeah, I almost cried. The pain it brought was really different. I was almost there in my room when I decided to enter the restroom. After a couple of minutes, I went out and decided to go to my room. To my surprised, he was there and we met again along our way. You know what I did? I continued walking without looking at him. I was hurt, I admit and the fact that it was still fresh, made me wanna hate him. I don't know if I did the right thing but you know, I freaking felt bad with what happened. How dare him? After all, we have seen each other in the mall one time and he even smiled at me. He was the one who smiled at me first and then I smiled back. Then now, we just walked and pretended that we don't know each other.

It was so goddamn painful. I have been liking him for a long time now and I haven't felt bad the way I felt today. I didn't dare to look at him the entire day because it made me hate him more. Why he is like that? He continues leaving marks of needles in my heart. He doesn't have any idea about my sufferings because of him. I hate him yet I couldn't stop this effin' feeling. I hate myself for being blinded until now.

I don't know the right solution to this. I want to get over him as soon as possible. I want this crazy feelings to end now. I want to erase him into my life. But how can I?