Saturday, October 27, 2007

It's funny how you set qualifications for the right person to love while at the back of our minds, we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception.

For the past one and a half years, I have been crushing (liking) on one single guy only. This guy is a schoolmate and at some point in time, a classmate of mine. During our first year in Letran, we belong to different blocks that’s why I never knew that someone like him exists in this world. During those days, I’ve gotten a crush on one of his guy friends. His friend was supposed to be my partner on one of our presentations in school. I still never knew him by that time.

Halfway to the end of the second semester of my first year in Letran, an IT Sportsfest was held. My guy friends formed a basketball team and joined the sportsfest. When the day had come, Dyei and I watched the game to give support to our friends. Their first opponent was the team of this guy I am crushing on. At first, I didn’t notice him because I was looking for his friend. But unfortunately, his friend wasn’t there. I was able to notice him but I wasn’t still attracted. After that game, my friends’ team and his team will be playing again in the afternoon with different opponents. And during those times, I became aware of him.

After that day, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And then, I realized that I like him already. He got the looks, the fair complexion, basketball skills though he is kinda short and got big eyes. But then, he caught my attention knowing that I am so picky and choosy when it comes to guys. He may not be every girl’s dream boy but for me, he can be.

Everyday, I used to look for him. I’ve got the chance to see him everyday. I really love his smile, it is so attractive. Their group is an acquaintance of my guy friends which makes me feel fortunate because I’ve gotten to see him almost everyday of the week. His funny side or sense of humor makes me like him even more.

Summer break came and I never gotten the chance to see him. And I could even live a day without thinking about him. With that, my admiration towards him fizzled out. It just vanished right away.

My second year started. I was able to see him but you know there was no spark at all. My girl friends used to tease me to him but I wasn’t affected. I didn’t feel the kilig factor. I concluded that I have already forgotten about him that time.

But to my surprised, when my second semester began, we became classmates in one subject. I promised not to like him again but I couldn’t help myself whenever I see him. In short, all the feelings came back. And from there, I knew that it wasn’t just a simple crush, perhaps, like or infatuation or whatever you call it but I assure you it wasn’t love. The feelings started to bloom without me even knowing it.

When the summer vacation began, I thought I could forget about him just like what happened during the last summer break but I was totally wrong. Everyday, the thought of him just popped out of my mind which I couldn’t stop. Those times, I can say, I realized how I like him that much. I can’t help but think of him.

When my junior life started, it became the most unexpected chapter of my life because of the turn of events. We were classmates in four subjects straight during Monday and Wednesday. And since, my guy friends and his group just became closer than ever, I’ve gotten the chance to see him everyday, as in everyday. I felt kilig whenever he looks at me but still, at the end of the day, I felt so depressed because I know he can never be mine. I started losing hope after knowing that two of my girl friends have this crush on him too. It felt so different that it came to the point that I was telling them that I don’t like him anymore. But deep inside me, I know it wasn’t true. I’m still into him and it would take time before I could finally get over him.

We often looked at each other and yet we never talked. We had all the chances in the world but we didn’t use it. It was just so saddening that I never got the chance to be close to him.

I also tried to get over him by pretending that he doesn’t exist in my world but I just failed. Well, everytime I make a plan about moving on or giving up, it seems that fate doesn’t want me to pursue. Destiny just keeps playing games on me which you know, made it more difficult for me to move on. It was so hard especially when destiny tries to stop me from doing so. I came to the point that I just let that freaking feelings eat me whole though I used to end up getting hurt.

And now, I just decided to give up on whatever I have for him even if destiny and fate try to stop me. I don’t care. Because I know, whatever I do for him to like me, I will end up getting hurt and being left out. I do believe that there is one guy in this world waiting for me and whom I really deserve. And I’m just waiting for the time that I could finally say: “I’m over him.”